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Subject:Moving On
Time:11:04 pm
Well faithful LJ users. I have decided it is time to move on from this LJ of old and get on the Blogspot phenom. The layout is a bit more what I'm looking for and I get to make my own page name and all that neat stuff. For anyone who cares to check it out the addy is

www.aintnohummusinharlan.blogspot.com

The first post is quite a doozy but I figured there was a lot of backstory to get out of the way. Enjoy and bookmark it if ya like. Hopefully I'll post on in a bit more frequently than I did this one. *fingers crossed*
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Subject:Well this is horrifying.
Time:10:49 pm

MyHeritage: Family tree - Genealogy - Celebrity

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Subject:Yes We Can.
Time:01:55 am
Hey there history. Mind if I live in you? Thanks.

(I think this sorta implies that history and I have had sex...and holy crap it was AMAZING!)
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Current Music:Do You Realize - The Flaming Lips
Current Location:Washington DC
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Subject:Where does all of this come from?
Time:01:31 pm
Turning points are strange. You never know when they're coming or how you'll react.

I cried today. Bawled like a little baby, but it wasn't because I was sad at all. It was because I was so overwhelmed with the beauty of my life. I am surrounded by people who love me and whom I love deeply. I thought of each and every friend I've ever had today, and what they've meant to me. What they brought to my life. What I brought to theirs and how amazing all of that is. I've had these moments before but never to this extent. I broke down in the car just so happy. I couldn't stop smiling or crying and they both blended together in this strange outpouring of happiness, love, beauty and emotion.

Before I address all of that. I do have one thing that I feel shouldn't even be an issue for me anymore but to some extent in my life, it is. I am gay. To most people who may read this, I've probably already told you or you'd heard and it's really not that big of a shocker. Since leaving Centre I've been very open about the fact that I'm a gay man except when I return home to Harlan and sometimes among Centre people. I was ashamed for such a long time. I prayed every night for at least 7 years that God would make me straight. I knew that if people I knew in Harlan knew about me, they would hate me. The young man they all thought was so intelligent, talented, funny, personable, a "good kid" would suddenly be lower than low. In some of these people's minds murderers and rapists were better than I because of something I know I had no say in. (Who would really pick a lifetime of fear, unwarranted anger and a ridiculously hard childhood if they could really pick? I don't understand how anyone can believe it's a choice.) I wanted nothing more than to be "normal" and to be the son my father wanted, the student my teachers thought I was and the role model for my community. I felt that by feeling the way I felt, I was letting down so many people so I denied that part of me for the longest time. I have only recently come to fully accept myself as I am. That was such a huge part of this break down today that I had to air some of it. I am not "normal." I am not part of the majority. I am an awesome rockstar minority. Einstein said "You can't solve a problem with the same kind of thinking that created it." I am a fresh perspective. I don't have to answer to anyone else's idea of what I should be. I am a man yes but that doesn't mean that I have to be condescending to women, drink beer and watch football. Being a man has nothing to do with who you love and it has nothing to do with how well you fit society's idea of what a man *should* be. Being a man is caring for your family, friends and strangers. Being a man is believing in yourself and your self worth. Being a man is not being afraid to leave yourself open and vulnerable to other people because you don't feel the need to put up false walls for fear of what others might think. Being a man is being comfortable in who you are, what you stand for and going out there and putting that forward everyday.

The gay population has been repeatedly bashed back, trying to be kept on the outside of society looking it. Even ten years ago, being gay meant you were a degenerate drug user who took advantage of children and tried to convert everyone to your heathen ways. Now look. Being gay is becoming chic and "in". Is this a counter-cultural response? Are we at the other side of the pendulum swing now? I can't venture a guess but now you have gay parents at the PTA, lesbian couples pruning the rose garden on their little suburban block without fear of the repercussion from kissing one another, students coming out in high school, even middle school because they don't fear the social ridicule and threat of physical violence anymore. Times are changing and I am astounded and relieved. We're everywhere and shockingly enough pretty white bread. We want to be able to have a house and a dog, maybe some kids, feel safe and happy and pursue the same dreams that everyone else has. We're not out for blood or for your children or anything like that, we just want the happiness that we deserve.

Obviously, there's a lot of work to be done. I still can't get married to someone I love and there are people ACTIVELY against the idea of me loving someone at all. So much so they blame my love for the shootings at VA Tech, the collapse of the economy, the destruction of the twin towers. Nutzo people equate the fact that I love someone with the most heinous and horrible acts and that simply cannot be. (If you think I'm exaggerating go to www.godhatesfags.com and see for yourself).Homophobia is the LAST acceptable prejudice. Of course there are racists in the world, I know a large number of them, but it is not socially acceptable to feel intense bigotry and racism all across the board. With homosexuality many people still feel it's ok to be grossed out by it or even threatened by it. Trust me, if gay people wanted to screw with your marriage we'd just stop decorating your wedding cakes, laying out your table settings and designing all those dresses you like so much...we don't want to threaten you, we just want to be treated like human beings and we deserve that.

(This paragraph could go on for a lot longer but I feel I'll be losing any of the power of it if I continue to just ramble.)

That was the first time I've ever publicly said that I am a gay man. I know this isn't really the bravest place to do it, a livejournal that maybe 5 people read but I do feel like it's certainly a step for me.

Now, back to happiness and my emotional wash.

This morning I went to a Drag Brunch with my friends Nick and Jeremy, an amazing gay married couple. (They just got married in CA a couple of months ago.) They have really been great friends to me since I moved here and I'm very lucky to have people like them in my life. The brunch was amazing, the drag queens were crazy (especially the MC who grabbed my head and forced me to motorboat her cardboard boobs...which was quite the experience) and I had a great time. We ended up being comped for the meal (and the mimosas) because they asked us to move tables for a reservation and so everything was free. The universe smiled on us fo' sho. Anyway, I only include this to put a place mark on the day for me when I re-read this in the future. When I got off the metro I was feeling really happy and content. I have amazing friends and I started thinking about all of them one by one. What they were doing. What we had done together. What they mean to me. I saw all of their faces so vividly and they were all smiling and happy and that made me smile. I know I looked like a douche because I smiled from the escalator back to my car and just couldn't stop. I got in the car and put on "Do you Realize" by the flaming lips (from the mix Catherine and Adrian made me) and was overwhelmed. That's the 2nd time that song did it to me too, once on the way out to CA after they gave me the cd and said "All these songs are about you and how we feel about you." I finished up that song and then switched over to Ben Fold's the luckiest which is a song I only listen to when I'm really feeling emotional and I sang along to it (as best I could through my little sob/smile combo) and felt so happy and so alive and finally so at peace with myself. I don't know where all of this came from or why it hit so hard today but it was awesome. I re-read through this and realize that it in no way even begins to scrape the depth of emotion I felt today and it all sounds sorta trivial but I've never felt anything like this so intensely and I had to write it all down. Hopefully for me I'll be able to understand all I felt and maybe someone who reads this will be able to relate on some level but words can't do this justice...at least my words.

I had my little self-actualization about who I am and how I shouldn't let anyone tell me I'm anything less than amazing. I am a very caring, interesting, intelligent, funny, friendly, talented, creative, passionate and loving person. I have lots of great qualities (and of course some I could work on, I'm not blinded to that) but damn it, I can't let anyone tell me I'm not worth their time or worth their love or friendship or whatever it is they want to deny me because that's just not true.

Thank you to everyone who has been there for me in the past. You mean more to me than even I can fully understand. Thank you to everyone who told me that gay was unnatural, disgusting, immoral, without your hate and your anger I would not be the person I am today and I really love that person. I feel nothing but sadness for you, that you let fear, anger, hatred and ignorance govern your lives. I hope, for your sake more than mine, that one day you can see past those things. I've recently decided that not only do I wear my heart on my sleeve, I often throw it at other people. For those of you who have handled it with love and care, I hope that you know how special and beautiful you are.

I'm rambling. I like rambling and I could continue and probably touch on some more great thoughts and feelings and maybe come up with a better way to express it but I feel I should just step off here.

My life is full of love, happiness, passion, art, friends, family, experience, joy and so many other amazing things. I know it gets hard and it most certainly has been no cake walk in recent memory but I am a better stronger person for all that has happened and I'm going to continue becoming a better stronger person. I like this whole growth thing.

--

Do you realize that you have the most beautiful face?
Do you realize we're floating in space?
Do you realize that happiness makes you cry?
Do you realize that everyone you know someday will die?
And instead of saying all of your goodbyes
let them know you
realize that life goes fast
it's hard to make the good things last
you realize the sun doesn't go down
it's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round.

--

(So I ended with a song lyric? I get to be a douche today and there's nothing you can say about it.)
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Subject:Hey...sorry I haven't called in so long...you know how things get
Time:11:52 am
Well hello there LJ.

Basically the only reason I still have a LJ is to read other people's but I'm in the middle of a job search right now and rather than be productive the whole time (who wants that) I figured I could throw some words down in the ole LJ. Here they are.

In follow up to the last post. I got my tattoo and I really love it. I think it's primarily because I can only see it once or twice a day when I'm getting out of the shower and look in the mirror. If it was right on my arm or on my calf I might thing to myself "why the hell do you have a nautical star on your arm" more frequently. But now I catch a glimpse of it in the mirror and think "Yay that still looks cool!" Most people that I've shown it to seem to like it as well so I'm pretty pleased with my first tattoo choice. It actually didn't hurt almost at all. Maybe 3 times did I flinch but the rest actually kinda felt good...I dunno what that says about me.

I toured with Missoula and loved it. What a great company with great people. I dunno if I could do it again (certainly not for a year like my tour partner did) but it's great to have that connection to such a wonderful place. I loved Missoula the city and Missoula the company. Yay for the Pacific Northwest. I think that the west coast from Nor Cal up would be where I'd like to "settle down" someday. It's just an amazing area. Tons of varied natural beauty and some really great people. I've of course got other places in the world to see before I make the "settle down" decision but PacNW certainly ranks high currently.

After tour I had to go home for a bit which was pretty soul sucking but gave me a lot of introspective time which I think in the end was really good. I don't know if it has really furthered me career wise or anything like that but personally it gave me time to deal with some things that have been weighing on my mind. After all of this introspection I decided I wanted to move to DC where I am currently writing this. (Well right outside of, I'm in Arlington, VA in the Clarendon area, which for anyone not familiar with DC is about 10 minutes outside of the city so it's a really good location.) I'm living with Olga (YES) from Russia who owns the Condo, some guy in the basement who owns a fitness center and I forget his name (he stays in the basement most of the time) and room for one more. So if anyone knows anyone who wants to move to DC tell them to get in touch with me because it's a pretty good deal. I painted my room (the first room I've ever painted) and I really like it. 3 Khaki walls and one red accent wall. It looks really good. Now I have to get everything in here and furnished. My new mattress from Ikea is awesome and tonight I'm building my bed with my new DC friends Nick and Jeremy so that'll be a huge step in the right direction.

Now the only thing left is to find a job. I've gotten to a point where I really want a stable life for at least a while (just to see how that feels). I think I want a solid 9-5 (that isn't completely soul sucking) and I can do theatre work at night and on weekends. I know it isn't quite the bohemian style I once strove for but it's a bit more realistic for now. Who knows, maybe I'll hate the stability and crave what it's been like the past little bit. It's certainly exciting (if not unnerving). Maybe when I get a job, I'll repost on here. Doubtful though.

Oh yes, one other big thing is I was betrayed heavily by a former friend and roommate of mine. There's a huge story that isn't worth typing out and most people already know the deal. It's probably going to involve some legal action at some point so I don't really wanna put too much up here. It may or may not get to that point depending on my options. We'll see. Just figured, for posterity sake, I should make a note of this so I don't forget when this went down in my life. *anger*

But backing away from that topic. Things are pretty good right now. I'm meeting lots of new people. Seeing some old friends. Reading a lot. Making a room into my own. Living in a city I'm really excited about. Now when I get a nice job the package will be complete. I know that's a HUGE missing piece for most people but after the past couple of months I'm really happy to just have my own space and be back out of Harlan. I was there for way too long and this is a great change of pace.

Happy.
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Time:06:56 pm
I'm getting a tattoo today.

I leave for MT on Sunday.

*blink*
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Current Music:Die Vampire, Die
Current Location:My poor empty, messed up room.
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Subject:Pensive Ramblings.
Time:02:11 am
Current Mood:contemplativecontemplative
Hello Livejournal. Been gone a while I guess. This is a long one, pat yourself on the back if you actually read this.

I've thought about writing in here but never had the time. Now that my job is over and I'm currently unemployed it feels like I should be able to afford a little bit to write in here. I'm in the process of a move which means I'm also being very pensive. (I'm so deep.) Anytime something comes to a close, whether it is good or bad, I get really retrospective. I suppose this is normal. I guess at this point I've begun and ended so many things this should be old hat but I guess you never fully get used to the idea of things ending. Before I get too deep in that I want to make a quick (and I'm sure incomplete) list of the things I've done here.

* I left the East coast and came to live on the West Coast in a state that my whole life has seemed foreign to me and did so with a pretty high rate of success and happiness. I escaped KY and went to 180 degrees away from it to a culture, state and lifestyle completely different from those I had come accustom to.
* I toured the West Coast with "The Emperor's New Clothes" where I saw things like Graumann's Chinese Theatre (where I saw Casino Royale), The Hollywood sign, LA, Universal Studios, DISNEYLAND, California Adventure, the beautiful countryside of Oregon, Las Vegas (again), all sorts of little towns and little theatres dotting the coast as for north as N. OR all the way down to LA, the Hollywood walk of fame, Beverley Hills, Rodeo Drive, hotel after hotel after hotel, and all the little things in between. An experience I will never forget. My first tour. Check.
* Acted as the father, the owl, Papa Bear, and little miss muffet in "Once Upon a Bedtime". My first "professional leading role". (I have quotes there for numerous reasons.) Had a great time and saw first hand the positive effect theatre has on the very young. I want to remain a part of that.
* Met some really great friends who I will miss dearly when I move. They are the thing that makes leaving the hardest. I love the area, a lot, but its the people I'll miss most. I guess it would be harder to love the area with all of them gone. I'm next to last in the line to leave, which leaves only Will here for about a month longer. Luckily the new company members are great and I know he'll be in good hands. Karen has arrived and I've had a blast with her, I wish we could work together in a show but in the end I know this is the right move.
* Missed a lot of people back on the east coast. Missed them a LOT.
* Directed 3 different plays (20 minutes a piece) with 4-8 year olds. "Bear Snores On", "Peeping Beauty" and "There's an Animal Strike at the Zoo (it's true)!" Which were all very successful.
* Assistant Directed (and actually directed much of) Aladdin Jr. at Argonaut Elementary. Had a couple of kids who really looked up to me and that I saw a lot of great talent and potential in. Very proud of my efforts there but especially proud of them.
* Stage Managed (HA yep) with the lovely Victoria Whitlow at Silveroak Elementary for the production of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.
* Lived in a house with a sushi chef, a computer guy, a ballroom dance instructor, an insurance claims adjuster, a blue collar guy, two chiropractors and a bitch. (Not all at once.) And a total of 2 cats, 6 dogs and 1 hampster. (There really wasn't a hampster but doesn't it sound better that way?)
* Worked for a "professional" theatre company for a full year. Take that doubting Thomases.
* Bought a TomTom GPS (which I'm in love with) and went geocacheing with Will. Fun but tedious and super difficult. Will likes it more than I do but I'm glad I know about it now.
* Went to Napa Valley, Sonoma Valley and (tomorrow) Santa Cruz wineries. I've developed a taste for red wine now...whooda thunk.
* Saw some really great theatre (Legally Blonde: The Musical, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf, Jersey Boys, Doubt, A Long Day's Journey Into Night) and some bad (Who is Sylvia or The Goat, most CTC shows...not all.)
* Gained a respect for people who do office work. I know that work is necessary. I know that work is important. I NEVER want to do it again.
* Learned that not everybody in the world is awesome and not everybody in the world is primarily good.
* Went to Yosemite which is beautiful. I can't wait to go back and actually hike and camp there. We had one full day at the park and it was amazing. One of my favorite experiences here.
* Got a season pass to Great America and learned what it was like to be able to go to a theme park whenever you wanted.
* Taught the Young Actors Guild, Saturday Conservatories, Mask Workshops, an awesome improv class, outreach programs and two summer conservatories.
* Wrote about 1/16th of a musical with Will entitled "The Adventures of Gigglebutt and Crosseye." Look for it on Off-Broadway around 2015.
* Survived my first job. Hey! Hey!
* Decided I want an Enlgish Bulldog. BAD.
* Fell in love with my hammock.
* Had some awesome parties.
* Saw a lot of great movies.
* Read a lot of good books and plays.
* Grew up some more. (A continual process.)
* Sang amazing Kareoke.
* Went to bars...a new thing for a Centre student.
* Saw the Golden Gate Bridge, the Muir Woods, and (Monday) Alcatraz.
* Explored much of San Francisco. A city of lots of character...and urine...and homeless people. I think there may be a correlation between the three but science hasn't proven my theory just yet.
* Went to an A's game. In Oakland. I never need to go back there again.
* Went to the exploratorium. The hands on museum that is still cool for adults.
* Found and went to many awesome beaches. Decided I love living near beaches.
* Did the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk and rode the worlds oldest original materials roller coaster and a BADASS merry go round where you catch rings on the outside then throw them in a clowns mouth. Why doesn't EVERY merry go round have this? It upped the fun level from like a .5 to an 8.
* Did my first, real life, I'm actually drinking it, kegstand at my Frat Party. Oh man, great party.
* Contemplated my life a lot, where to go, what to do, how to do it, when to do it, whats right for me, what do I have to have, what can I live without, where do I see myself, who do I see myself with, who my friends are, what they mean to me, what my family is, what I want my family to be, all that deep stuff that keeps you up at night.

And a ton more. Wow. Typing it all out was interesting. I had to go back and look through some photos of my past year to get all of it and I'm still sure I missed so much. Life is such a strange thing to me. Whenever I sit back and actually start thinking about things it really just blows my mind the things we do, the things we think, the people we meet, the places we go (thanks Dr. Seuss) and the ideas we'll have. I can't wrap my mind around what I'll be doing in 5 years and I kind of like the idea. It's scary as hell. Being unemployed. Trying to be a real free lance actor for a while. Moving to a new city. Leaving a place I really like. But you've got to just go. I think that's something I need to remember. Just go. You can't dwell in the past no matter how good or bad it was. You can't re-live things. You did what you did, you thought what you though, said what you said, and felt how you felt. You can never change that. Sometimes, that really really sucks. But I can't let it keep me from doing things in the future or wishing for things like they used to be. I have to take control of the present and the future and make things happen. Just go. I know I'll still sometimes be envious of other people, wish I could be somewhere, have something, or be someone but I can't. I have to be ok with that and I have to make it a point to make my life so awesome that other people wish they could do what I'm doing. I can only try and make my time here happy and I want to do that. I think I will do that. I think I'll also second guess myself most of the way, but I think I'll get there.

Just go.

(Was that pretentious as the last line? I think maybe...but whatever. We can all have a little bit of that when we're being pensive.)
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Subject:Bored in the Office
Time:03:12 pm
Bored in the Office! Bored in the Office! Bored in the Office!

Rar! I'm of course bored in the office. I just got back from my 30 minute lunch. (Boo) And am now trying to look as busy as I can on the education computer. When I've finished sending out e-mails, drafting letters and dealing with parents I don't have much to do here. I just get to listen to Rick (marketing director) and Diana (box office manager) be rude to people on the phone. You'd think that they'd be nice to the people who are paying their salaries but I guess that's not how you succede as a "little not-for-profit children's theatre just tryin' to scrape by". Blah.

Tour was amazing however so i'll try not to focus on the office. I got to do all sorts of great stuff. I saw some amazing venues and got to be a touring actor for a while. I like touring I'll have to do this again sometime. I went to Disneyland, Universal Studios, saw LA, the hollywood sign, hollywood walk of fame, Graumann's chinese theatre (where I saw the premier of Casino Royale which is amazing and you should all go see), beautiful parts of Oregon, Napa Valley, Wine Country, all up and down the coast of Cali, and just had an awesome surreal time as a professional actor. With all the crap the company does to the actors and all the staff it was still cool to get to do all that stuff. Hopefully someday I'll find a company to do it with that makes it even more enjoyable. Until then, though, this was a great start!

Pictures will soon be up on facebook and a kodakgallery. I'll post a link to the kodak thing soon.

So now I'm back in Sunnyvale at least until after December. I think they'll use me in some more shows but I dunno about tour. I'm now in charge of the Young Actors' Guild and I teach a class and take kids out to see shows. Because of this I dunno if they'll want me to be out of the city very much. We are getting a new education director though so she may end up taking some of this on. I dunno though. Nothing is very certain here right up until the decision is made so I can't even hazard a guess. I'm totally cool with this set up though as long as I'm not just doing office bitch work. Now that I have my fancy schmancy new title of "Education Assitant" I am doing work I actually care about rather than making copies and taking tour orders. I also think I may get to direct or assistant direct a kids show in the spring so that'd be a nice creative outlet as well.

Rar. 3 more hours till I can go home. Not too bad. Really I can't complain too much about this job. It's awesome for right out of school so if there are some negatives I guess you've just gotta expect that. Hopefully it'll lead to something better. We all need stepping stones. If nothing else I get to build the resumes quite a bit. Always a positive.

I think I'll be moving back east in May or August of next year. Chicago, Boston, New York or DC are my options right now. This could of course all change if I got a job elsewhere but as of now those are the cities I'm looking at. Just a heads up.

Back in KY in Dec from the 21- Jan 1 so if you want to see me catch me then. I'll be frantically trying to visit everyone. I'll be making trips to Lex and L-ville too so I'll be coming to a city near you.

Ok, back to work. I'm looking suspicious.
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Current Music:I speak six languages - Spelling Bee
Current Location:My new larger room
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Time:05:41 pm
Current Mood:dirtydirty
So rather than making people find out through reading comments of the last entry I say here.

I was cast in the Empeor's New Clothes tour.

Awesome. I'm the treasurer who is the new guy in the palace. It's a good role and I'm glad I got something like this without actually being an "official" actor with my company. My boss called me in to tell me that I was still office staff I just happen to be in a show. They will be able to use me for whatever they need which includes acting, directing, designing, and of course administration work. I hope to stay as far away from the latter as possible but techinically it is supposed to be my main job so I'll probably do quite a bit of it. I'll soak up the fun I'm having with tour right now and hope for the best in the long run.

We've been in rehearsal since Monday and we open on the 9th. We play for two weeks here then head out on tour for three weeks. I'm not exactly sure when our closing show is. After that they're doing two casts of "Elves and the Shoemaker" and "Madeline's Christmas." I'm hoping to be in Elves because the tour would be a lot of fun and the people in the cast would all be my age. If I was in Madeline I'd be with a lot of Conservatory students and some of the older people in the company. I'm going to mention this desire to my bosses and hopefully that'll have some effect. *shrug* Dunno.

Still going to the gym everyday. My friend Robbie (playing the Emperor in the show) just joined so now it isn't quite as boring. Running is easier when you've got someone to talk to. We've started running lines a bit too but I'm pretty sure everyone around us hates that so we try to keep that to a minimum.

This weekend I'm having a "Frat Party" at my house. I got a keg of newcastle and I'm fixing hooch. We're all coming as Fraternity/Sorority stereotypes. I think this party will be awesome because most of the people I work with are hardcore theatre people who either HATED Greek life in college or just never went. I'm the only guy who was in a Fraternity here and there are 3 girls who were in sororities. I know a keg of Newcastle isn't very authentic but I figured we've aged a bit, our beer can get better. Can't wait for that to roll around.

Ok I've only been writing to put off doing laundry, fixing dinner and cleaning my room so I should get to that.

Rock.
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Current Music:I'm Not That Smart - 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee
Current Location:My room
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Subject:Auditions
Time:08:17 am
Current Mood:nervousnervous
So I woke up at 6:45am this morning when I have to go into work at 9. This is what a morning should feel like and if I didn't love sleep so much I'd almost feel compelled to do this every day. That won't last at all, because even after two cups of coffee (brewed in my brand new mr. coffee programmable coffee maker *bling bling*) I can feel the undercurrent of tiredness dragging through my body.

Why would Strother wake up at 6:45 when he didn't have to? Today are the only auditions for the entire year here at CTC. They will make all the decisions for the rest of the year on this audition. Will I be on tours? Musicals? Will I play the comedian? villain? Will I be cast at all?

Eep.

I've prepped a monologue and 16 bars of a song and I like both of them. Monologue is a slimey villainy kinda guy obsessed with money, song is an ADD spelling bee contestant.

So here goes. I'll know almost immediately what I'm cast in, if I'm cast in anything at all and if I'll be going on tour. Gah! I shouldn't be this nervous but here I am...so nervous I'm stalling for time by writing in a livejournal.
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[icon] I'm not even going to try to be profound
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