Where does all of this come from?
Turning points are strange. You never know when they're coming or how you'll react.

I cried today. Bawled like a little baby, but it wasn't because I was sad at all. It was because I was so overwhelmed with the beauty of my life. I am surrounded by people who love me and whom I love deeply. I thought of each and every friend I've ever had today, and what they've meant to me. What they brought to my life. What I brought to theirs and how amazing all of that is. I've had these moments before but never to this extent. I broke down in the car just so happy. I couldn't stop smiling or crying and they both blended together in this strange outpouring of happiness, love, beauty and emotion.

Before I address all of that. I do have one thing that I feel shouldn't even be an issue for me anymore but to some extent in my life, it is. I am gay. To most people who may read this, I've probably already told you or you'd heard and it's really not that big of a shocker. Since leaving Centre I've been very open about the fact that I'm a gay man except when I return home to Harlan and sometimes among Centre people. I was ashamed for such a long time. I prayed every night for at least 7 years that God would make me straight. I knew that if people I knew in Harlan knew about me, they would hate me. The young man they all thought was so intelligent, talented, funny, personable, a "good kid" would suddenly be lower than low. In some of these people's minds murderers and rapists were better than I because of something I know I had no say in. (Who would really pick a lifetime of fear, unwarranted anger and a ridiculously hard childhood if they could really pick? I don't understand how anyone can believe it's a choice.) I wanted nothing more than to be "normal" and to be the son my father wanted, the student my teachers thought I was and the role model for my community. I felt that by feeling the way I felt, I was letting down so many people so I denied that part of me for the longest time. I have only recently come to fully accept myself as I am. That was such a huge part of this break down today that I had to air some of it. I am not "normal." I am not part of the majority. I am an awesome rockstar minority. Einstein said "You can't solve a problem with the same kind of thinking that created it." I am a fresh perspective. I don't have to answer to anyone else's idea of what I should be. I am a man yes but that doesn't mean that I have to be condescending to women, drink beer and watch football. Being a man has nothing to do with who you love and it has nothing to do with how well you fit society's idea of what a man *should* be. Being a man is caring for your family, friends and strangers. Being a man is believing in yourself and your self worth. Being a man is not being afraid to leave yourself open and vulnerable to other people because you don't feel the need to put up false walls for fear of what others might think. Being a man is being comfortable in who you are, what you stand for and going out there and putting that forward everyday.

The gay population has been repeatedly bashed back, trying to be kept on the outside of society looking it. Even ten years ago, being gay meant you were a degenerate drug user who took advantage of children and tried to convert everyone to your heathen ways. Now look. Being gay is becoming chic and "in". Is this a counter-cultural response? Are we at the other side of the pendulum swing now? I can't venture a guess but now you have gay parents at the PTA, lesbian couples pruning the rose garden on their little suburban block without fear of the repercussion from kissing one another, students coming out in high school, even middle school because they don't fear the social ridicule and threat of physical violence anymore. Times are changing and I am astounded and relieved. We're everywhere and shockingly enough pretty white bread. We want to be able to have a house and a dog, maybe some kids, feel safe and happy and pursue the same dreams that everyone else has. We're not out for blood or for your children or anything like that, we just want the happiness that we deserve.

Obviously, there's a lot of work to be done. I still can't get married to someone I love and there are people ACTIVELY against the idea of me loving someone at all. So much so they blame my love for the shootings at VA Tech, the collapse of the economy, the destruction of the twin towers. Nutzo people equate the fact that I love someone with the most heinous and horrible acts and that simply cannot be. (If you think I'm exaggerating go to www.godhatesfags.com and see for yourself).Homophobia is the LAST acceptable prejudice. Of course there are racists in the world, I know a large number of them, but it is not socially acceptable to feel intense bigotry and racism all across the board. With homosexuality many people still feel it's ok to be grossed out by it or even threatened by it. Trust me, if gay people wanted to screw with your marriage we'd just stop decorating your wedding cakes, laying out your table settings and designing all those dresses you like so much...we don't want to threaten you, we just want to be treated like human beings and we deserve that.

(This paragraph could go on for a lot longer but I feel I'll be losing any of the power of it if I continue to just ramble.)

That was the first time I've ever publicly said that I am a gay man. I know this isn't really the bravest place to do it, a livejournal that maybe 5 people read but I do feel like it's certainly a step for me.

Now, back to happiness and my emotional wash.

This morning I went to a Drag Brunch with my friends Nick and Jeremy, an amazing gay married couple. (They just got married in CA a couple of months ago.) They have really been great friends to me since I moved here and I'm very lucky to have people like them in my life. The brunch was amazing, the drag queens were crazy (especially the MC who grabbed my head and forced me to motorboat her cardboard boobs...which was quite the experience) and I had a great time. We ended up being comped for the meal (and the mimosas) because they asked us to move tables for a reservation and so everything was free. The universe smiled on us fo' sho. Anyway, I only include this to put a place mark on the day for me when I re-read this in the future. When I got off the metro I was feeling really happy and content. I have amazing friends and I started thinking about all of them one by one. What they were doing. What we had done together. What they mean to me. I saw all of their faces so vividly and they were all smiling and happy and that made me smile. I know I looked like a douche because I smiled from the escalator back to my car and just couldn't stop. I got in the car and put on "Do you Realize" by the flaming lips (from the mix Catherine and Adrian made me) and was overwhelmed. That's the 2nd time that song did it to me too, once on the way out to CA after they gave me the cd and said "All these songs are about you and how we feel about you." I finished up that song and then switched over to Ben Fold's the luckiest which is a song I only listen to when I'm really feeling emotional and I sang along to it (as best I could through my little sob/smile combo) and felt so happy and so alive and finally so at peace with myself. I don't know where all of this came from or why it hit so hard today but it was awesome. I re-read through this and realize that it in no way even begins to scrape the depth of emotion I felt today and it all sounds sorta trivial but I've never felt anything like this so intensely and I had to write it all down. Hopefully for me I'll be able to understand all I felt and maybe someone who reads this will be able to relate on some level but words can't do this justice...at least my words.

I had my little self-actualization about who I am and how I shouldn't let anyone tell me I'm anything less than amazing. I am a very caring, interesting, intelligent, funny, friendly, talented, creative, passionate and loving person. I have lots of great qualities (and of course some I could work on, I'm not blinded to that) but damn it, I can't let anyone tell me I'm not worth their time or worth their love or friendship or whatever it is they want to deny me because that's just not true.

Thank you to everyone who has been there for me in the past. You mean more to me than even I can fully understand. Thank you to everyone who told me that gay was unnatural, disgusting, immoral, without your hate and your anger I would not be the person I am today and I really love that person. I feel nothing but sadness for you, that you let fear, anger, hatred and ignorance govern your lives. I hope, for your sake more than mine, that one day you can see past those things. I've recently decided that not only do I wear my heart on my sleeve, I often throw it at other people. For those of you who have handled it with love and care, I hope that you know how special and beautiful you are.

I'm rambling. I like rambling and I could continue and probably touch on some more great thoughts and feelings and maybe come up with a better way to express it but I feel I should just step off here.

My life is full of love, happiness, passion, art, friends, family, experience, joy and so many other amazing things. I know it gets hard and it most certainly has been no cake walk in recent memory but I am a better stronger person for all that has happened and I'm going to continue becoming a better stronger person. I like this whole growth thing.

--

Do you realize that you have the most beautiful face?
Do you realize we're floating in space?
Do you realize that happiness makes you cry?
Do you realize that everyone you know someday will die?
And instead of saying all of your goodbyes
let them know you
realize that life goes fast
it's hard to make the good things last
you realize the sun doesn't go down
it's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round.

--

(So I ended with a song lyric? I get to be a douche today and there's nothing you can say about it.)